He will leave me

It was on Sunday evening, when Kevin called and said

“Can you get ready in ½ hour? I want to see you urgently”

I thought that he was just pulling my leg and surprised me ke apa.

Dia kata dia ada something nak bagitahu yang dia dah simpan hampir 2 bulan tapi tak sanggup nak cerita dengan saya even he tried several times. When he went to KL to see me he already carried the news to let me know but he just could not do it. He took with him back to KK again and after thinking over it he has decided he needed me to know a.s.a.p.

No wonderlah sebelum ni saya pun dah rasa yang kevin macam hiding something from me. Saya ingat it was about his family matter or religion matter but its not that.

Bila sampai kat depan rumah saya kevin cakap

“Prof S ada recommended few students for Master kat oversea”

Saya tak tahu macamana nak describe the situation masa tu. Tapi dalam tekak saya pun dah rasa ada satu bola tersangkut. Dia tak perlu cakap lebih daripada tu lagi. I felt like the world already crashed on my head. What should I react? Happy, sad, surprised? Tapi saya tak nak fainted kat situ.

But all I said was

“Are you one of them? That’s great! I’m happy for you kev”

Betul ke kata-kata itu keluar dari mulut saya? Tapi saya tak menyesal cakap macam tu. Itu yang memang perlu saya cakap. Kalau itu cita-cita dia, kenapa saya nak jadi super penghalang. Don’t be ridiculous. Im not selfish.

But kevin said

“Are you sure ?”

“110% sure. You should apply dear . Kenapa nak fikir lagi?"

“What about you?"

“Don’t be silly. I’ll be fine”

“I don’t expect that you can be this fine. I ingat you nak marah or nangis or whatever yang a girlfriend probably do kalau boyfriend dia cakap dia akan pergi jauh for several years”

“Yes, maybe i sedih tapi why I should stop you. Its your dream kan? Your future."

"Our future"

"Ok. Tapi you mesti pergi ok. Jangan fikir pasal yang lain-lain”

“What about you? And us?”

“I can take care of myself. Don’t worry. Pasal kita tak perlu lah nak risau kev”

"I tak tahu nak buat apa"

“Just apply. I’m happy for you”

I smiled and put my hand on his cheeks and asked him to smile too. Mata kevin merah je. Tapi saya suruh dia senyum juga. I was so though kan? Even inside I felt macam nak pitam.
What was I thinking????

He will go study overbroad? Leave me here? How life is not being sooooo fair to me. Ya Allah. Masalah saya dengan kevin memang tak akan berakhir, malah bertambah lagi.

Tadi kat bangunan akademik ada terserempak dengan Kevin. He showed me a form in his file. I didn’t look at it but I guess it was the form to apply for a place for the master degree.

He said that he has not fill in. Dia tanya saya lagi if I’m okey or not. Immediately I smiled dan angguk saja.

Pretending pretending.

Kevin, why you want to do that? Don’t you think that our future is going to be more uncertain? Or I am just can’t bear to be apart from you? For couple of years. Or maybe more...

Oh myyy…